Wednesday, September 20, 2017

When the World's Truths Are Really Lies (And Other Thoughts)

As you can see this world is full of lies. Contradictory lies, too - it's not too hard to pull them apart, either. Here are some:

It takes two to fight.
- Then there would never be a victim. Or slaughter.

Just love yourself.
- If this were so easy then suicide wouldn't be a thing.

You are beautiful.
- Sometimes you aren't. Just being honest.

Skinny is healthy.
-It's just not. It's really not even beautiful. This sex-craved world just keeps changing it's mind on what's healthy{beautiful} and tries to drag the rest of us down in death.

Work hard and your dreams will come true.
- Sometimes they won't. We can't control life.

Good things happen to good people
- They happen to bad people, too. And bad things happen to both good and bad people.

If your heart is good people will see.
- No matter what you do there will always be people appearing to be good that will treat you like trash. Wanna know why? Because we all make mistakes and need God. Plus no one has a good heart. Jeremiah 17:9

There is always a villain
- Sometimes there are two {or none}.

Forgive but don't forget
- I'm sorry, but this is not normally good advice if you want to recreate a good relationship. Forgiving is choosing to forget (not holding past actions against the one that hurt you). You have to forget if you the one that hurt you is to be forgiven.

You are only young/ this age once or you only live life once
- While this is true, it's also false. Let me expand. You are only everything once. True, I may be 16 or 18 or 21 only once. But I'm also only 3 or 27 or 55 or 72 once. Every age is special. Thus every day is special. And they all lead to the next one. So being young or 16 or 21 is not license to be stupid - because it will affect the next day you live only once.

Forgiveness granted, trust denied.
- Is it just me, or do you also see how wrong this is? This is not forgiveness, but bitterness trying to give it's own form of justice. Trust isn't about being stupid, true. But forgiveness is not interchangeable with selfishness.  

Never accept anything less than you deserve.
- While in theory this is good and you should strive after a good and pure life, it's also full of deception, because in reality we deserve nothing. So, the life you deserve is really less than what God would have you live - isn't that ironic???

Your flaws are perfect for the one that is meant to love you.
- This is no excuse to remain as is, void of growth or change.

Never put another first if you always come last. Never give your all when you only receive half.
- I'm sorry, but this is pure selfishness and not at all how we should be if we honestly follow Yeshuah's (Jesus') example. 

I could seriously keep up with these forever.

Not that I mean to be depressing - but realistically, these quotes and ideas aren't helping our lives. A lot of them are completely contrary to what the Bible says and teaches. 

Yet many churches will even say words similar to these????

And, if this post is a little too depressing for you, here's an old post I wrote a long the same lines, just happier :D 

I'd love to hear some other things the world tells you that you know to be lies! Please share :D 

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Rainbow Before Storm

Life is strange.

And any one who disagrees - well, we need to hash some things out ;p

Lately I've been thinking about rainbows and storms.

On a figurative level

As real things, I love both. Rain is necessary for my part of the world. Rainbows are beautiful. And storms aren't evil.


- with a figurative sense of the two in mind, think of this question, "Would you rather have a rainbow followed by a storm, or the storm first finalized with a rainbow?"

I asked a friend this a while back, first giving my answer:

It seems my life is often a rainbow before a storm.

(I think many of us can relate.)

Good things happen. The rainbow is beautiful, wonderful. 

But then the storm kicks in. And it's awful. The rainbow is washed away - you have nothing left. And nothing to look forward to. Your rainbow has already happened, and there is no hope of another. 

All I have then is the storm.

And ever after when something good happens in my life I am fearful and anxious. I have those good times. But I am waiting for them to be replaced with a horrendous storm, just as life has always faithfully provided. 

It is as if I live afraid to completely enjoy the rainbow while I have it because of how much it will hurt loosing it (as I know I will) when the storm finally flies in.

I think, I would much rather experience the storm first.

For then I would have something to hope for. Hope to give me strength in the storm, because once the storm is finished my life will have a rainbow.

But no. Often time I am given the rainbow first.

But the answer I received was different than I expected. I felt convicted - inspired - encouraged, even. 

First off, this girl really loves storms. So she wasn't able to fully grasp my analogy. But I still love her thoughts.

Yes, a rainbow may come before the storm - but who's to say that's the only rainbow you will ever receive? There are rainbows that show before and after - even double rainbows and triple rainbows. And hidden, ones, too, that happen during the storm.

And, yes, the rainbow may come first. But maybe that rainbow is the strength you need to help you smile through the storm.

And, yes, the rainbow may come first. And the storm may hit hard - but not all happy things are good for us. And not all hard things are evil. Maybe that storm will add just what we need, developing our character more than any rainbow ever could.

And maybe that storm will teach us how to be content no matter if life hands us rainbows or storms.

Circumstances and order of circumstances are be inapplicable toward contentment, peace, and joy.

God and His will shall be utmost.

Rainbows before storms???

I guess, I really don't have much of a choice in which I receive first, or even how many. Or what kind.

But I can choose to rely on God through out all of them, to continually offer up praise and gratitude, and to smile despite what I feel should or should not be.

Rainbow before storm? Or vice versa? How do you see life?

This is part of the series Analogies from Literalism 

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Inside The Land Of The Free


My name is Greg. 

I have a lot of time to think. Too much time. Sometimes I think about my life - why I am sitting in prison. I wonder what I could have done different - my life plays before my eyes.

"If only..."

But even I know that no amount of good works would have stopped tyranny from finding fault with me.

It is cold.

My clothes are thin.

My stomach is empty - occasionally filled with food of no sustenance. 

I hide my face in my knees - as if that will somehow protect me from the horrors of this dark cold dungeon. 

They keep it cold to freeze me, this I know.

It is a part of their game - to drive a lesson into me.

As if I have a lesson to learn solely because I was convicted.

Convicted, but not  guilty.


68 years for standing against injustice.

How many years have I sat in here?

I have forgot.

All I know is this question, "Was I fated for this? Did God grant my birth just so I could spend life as if dead?"

I cry out to God - does He hear me?

I do not know. I can not feel Him in this lonely dark hole.

The loneliness is heavy. 

Solitary confinement is nerve-wracking. 

But it is better than waiting to be raped by the guards. Or even my inmates. 

Or having my food, toothbrush, or even clothes stolen from me.

Or my letters - when is the last time I received a letter?

My body is not my own. Like a Jew being tossed  around by a Nazi. That is my life.

And no-one believes me. 

No-one believes the land of the free would support such horrors in it's very belly.

No-one will believe that the majority of  us do not deserve to be here - and that forever more we are destined to rot away in torment in the name of freedom.

When I was in Nevada, I went to visit a prison with my dad. It was a privately owned prison - who would have thought that possible? - called Pahrump. They have a whole two stars on facebook :0 

They keep the temperature at 65 degrees. 

A lot of people (when it's hot) yearn for such a cool temperature. I'd like to say to them sometime, "You'd fit right in prison."

Of course, not having enough nutritional food, or warm clothes would affect how the temperature feels...

I met this middle aged man there, by the name of  Greg Burleson. I talked to him through this black and white t.v. box. It was very small - I had an old fashioned phone connected to a curly cord. I could barely hear him.

And he couldn't see me - because he'd gone blind shortly after being put in jail. 

He was sentenced to 68 years - simply for being involved in a protest, one in which never resulted in any violence of any sort.

Needless to say, it was a little hard to speak to him. I'm not speaking to the facts I didn't know him, or that he was blind, or that it was hard to see or hear him through the low-tech prison equipment.

No, it was hard to speak to him because this man was very bitter.

He had been wronged, constantly.

His wife left him for someone else. His 21-year old daughter hasn't spoken to him in years. His eyesight was taken away from him. His life was taken away from him. And he can do nothing but sit in a prison and remember how unjustly the world has treated and continues to treat him.

And remember he does as everyone says how great our country is and how our prisons are soooooooo much better than any one else's.

"Giving you 68 years in prison is much kinder than giving you life in prison," says the judge to an already old man. After she is responsible for his eyesight vanishing.

People - stop saying we are privileged. Stop saying injustices only exist in certain areas or toward certain people.

Stop saying our country is the land of the free.

Because it's not.

It's a lie - and we are embracing this lie to feel better.

A man is no longer free - but privileged. And because of that privilege he can do nothing but fight for every ounce of his life. 

Sound free?

We no longer have choices - but options. 

I know I'm not the only one that sees this injustice. 

I also realize that embracing bitterness like Greg isn't the way to cope.

In fact - I decided to use my time with him to cheer him up as best as possible.

We talked about the little good he could experience - radio (limited channels, true) and audio books. And I recommended some books to him. But even as he started sounding happy, I knew that I don't want to spend 68 years doing nothing but listening to a staticky radio and audio books.

That's not living. That's killing time.
Time that will end only by death.

People, we can change this world. Don't just accept the world as awful. And don't embrace bitterness.

It's not naive to have hope. 

It's not naive to stand strong and act joyful in tribulation.

It is naive to say our prison system is just fine, or better than others, or that our government is doing their best.

Greed and pride is not best.

Our forefathers fought, not so we could put our own selves in bondage once more, but so we could live in true freedom.

Stop saying things are OK - and start making them so! 

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Rebelling Against Conforming / #RebelliousWritingMovement /

I stumbled across this awesome blog recently - and I decided to join in on a movement of the author's.

/It's called Rebellious Writing /

And, no, this isn't some bratty, stupid, immature, dramatic, pleasure, hateful link-up.

This is about writing good fiction.

Just check out some of the posts:


What we write matters.

Just like what we do or say matters.

Words are huge, people. Whether we speak or read them, they impact EVERYONE.

And that is why I am calling out all writers and readers.

What are you writing?

Are you filling a need, or spilling words to please and bring money?

What are you reading?

Are you causing your mind to grow or destroy?

Words matter.

And anyone who says otherwise is lying.
(That hurt? Well, those were simply words I wrote. Point.)

Fiction is ideas and beliefs hidden behind art. 

Fiction influences {brainwashes}.

People, what are you writing???

Are you writing words that make a difference or conform to the rest of the trash (sorry, but it's true)?

Whatever you do, Writer, don't conform.

Don't buckle under the pressure. Don't write for the money or reviews. 

Write for God. And write for people.

Edification, encouragement, entertainment.

Write purely. 

Write purposefully. 

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Brothers-In-Arms {Jack Lewis Baillot}


I recently had the honor to review read a copy of Jack's book Brothers-in-Arms.



My review on Goodreads

Back Cover:
Franz Kappel and Japhet Buchanan never expected their friendship to be tested by the Third Reich. 

Friends from early childhood, the boys form an inseparable, brotherly bond. Growing up in a little German village, they escape most of the struggles of war until the day Japhet is banished from school for being a Jew, and later has a rib broken when other village boys beat him up. Franz learns he is putting himself in danger for spending so much time with Japhet but continues to stand up for his Jewish friend even at the risk to himself. Then one day their lives are shattered when they see first-hand that the price of being a Jew is dangerously high. 

With the war now on their doorsteps, Franz and Japhet come up with a desperate plan to save their families and get them out of Germany alive. Leaving behind the lives they've always known, they move into Berlin with nothing to protect them but forged papers and each other. Convinced their friendship can keep them going, the boys try and make a new life for themselves while trying to keep their true identities and Japhet's heritage a secret. Taking his best friend's safety upon himself, Franz joins the Nazis in an attempt to get valuable information. At the same time, Japhet joins the Jewish Resistance, neither friend telling the other of their new occupations.

With everyone in their world telling them a Nazi and a Jew can't be friends, it is only a matter of time before they believe all the lies themselves, until neither is certain if they are fighting against a race of people or fighting for their homeland. Somehow they have to survive the horrors of World War II, even when all of Germany seems to be against them.

My Thoughts:
I recommend reading my review on Goodreads to get a full idea of what I thought of the story line.

But I will say here I loved it.

First, I love history. Second, I love WWII history (don't we all?). And, third, I loved the friendship portrayed in this book.

This alone made it a worthy read - a pure, affectionate friendship between two best friends. A friendship we should all aspire to have (be like). It took a lot of work - I won't give away the ending. But how their friendship started out was ideal.

The perfect example of love and loyalty. Real - not selfish or clannish sorts.

I highly recommend this book to any of you readers that love WWII and a challenging read - if this book doesn't show one how to be a better friend (aside from the Bible), then all hope may be lost for you. ;) 

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

It Doesn't Take a Genius to Recognize Corruption

After attending the writer's conference I had the opportunity to spend a week with my dad in Las Vegas (we went to federal court trials).

I don't usually speak much of his work as I'm not sure all what to say about it. He keeps the public updated with what's happening in court, with all the many men locked up that he's trying to help out. I think he said there are like 19 guys right now that he is specifically trying to help release. 

{If any of you have heard of the Bundy Ranch Stand Off, you'll know a little of what he is doing}

I won't go into too much detail with his work. I will say if you want to know more of how to help out and learn what's going on just do some googling - my dad's name is John Lamb. You should be able to find plenty on him ;p

Anyways, I was quite shocked the first day.

Security didn't surprise me at all. Very much like an airport ;p  Except, most of the security was actually nicer ;) I was very pleased with security as far as security goes. And even a couple of the marshals seemed nice. But past this I was not pleased...

No phones are allowed in the court room. Or cameras. On any devices that record or can take pictures. 

The jury trial we attended the week I was in Vegas was for four guys. It was currently in the third week of the trial. Court lasted 9-5, Monday to Thursday. There were mid-morning ten minute breaks, an hour for lunch, and a ten minute afternoon break.

It was pretty boring a lot of the time.

The first thing I notices was the strong sense of bias. The judge was overly biased against the defendants ;/ I couldn't believe she'd let it be so obvious. 

Things like further questioning the witnesses (as if hoping to find incriminating evidence herself), overruling most of the council's objections while sustaining the majority of the prosecution's, calling a lot of side bars, rewording or not even reading certain jury questions, and her whole attitude toward the defendants. It was terrible. 

One day she sent one of the defendants to solitary confinement for a couple hours for looking behind him at another defendant. Except he denied having done what she said. "I can't let you get away with disobedience," Judge Navarro said.

Wow. I was really shocked.

On the second day in Las Vegas, the first half of the day my dad and I went to see the sentencing of a 93 year old doctor (I will have another post on this later). 

While we waited for the sentencing to take place several smaller things happened.

First two prisoners were brought in, both Mexicans.

A Mexican woman, nicely dressed, walked into the courtroom and sat in the front row, not knowing that the marshal's don't allow anyone to sit there as "they might jump over the banister and interfere with the prisoners."

A marshal rudely told the already distressed woman to move. She apologized and quickly obeyed. One of the men was her husband. He was not allowed to look at her.

She watched him sit there as his lawyer talked to the judge, a man named Kent Dawson. They set another court date for the Mexican then took him out of the room, shackling him and bringing him back to jail to await his trial. 

Next two young Caucasians were brought in, both wearing bright yellow jump suits. The one man was allowed to speak, and his words surprised me. He spoke very intellectually - I won't even be able to do his words half the deserved justice by trying to repeat them. He requested a speedy trial as it was his constitutional right and he'd been sitting in jail waiting for over six months. "I think there comes a time when long enough is long enough. I have payed my dues." 

Judge Dawson said, "In the eyes of the court six to eight months is not a long time." And he set the boy's trial a couple months in the future. 

The boy made several other good arguments, but the judge would not listen.

And last of all two lawyers came, representing clients that were not present. The one lady said her client had failed her drug test, and proceeded to explain why, "She has been fighting three tumors in her brain, and is currently undergoing chemo." She then gave a long detailed narrative of how the woman had to choose between a couple extremes with her tumors. and even then there wasn't sure hope that she would survive.

Judge Dawson listened, then said. "I understand this. But if she doesn't make better effort with her duties here she will be reprimanded. Does she understand this?"

The lawyer was frustrated, I could tell. 

I saw absolute greed

I tried to see good

"Maybe they are like Javert in Les Miserables," I thought. "Maybe they think justice over mercy - and they are so buried in the law and a sense of justice that they do not understand mercy."

Except I know they don't deserve to be compared to Javert. Javert I actually liked. And he was void of monetary greed or even the assertive authority and pride the two judges I saw seemed to possess.

It was sickening  - no human should own this much power over another's life.

No human being should be allowed to rule another man's life, and make his own words law above either the Bible or the constitution.

"This isn't real," you say.

I wish this was another of my satire pieces.

That I was even lying - I know many won't believe my words. And even fewer will do anything to change our system. 

But it is real and we NEED PEOPLE TO STOP THIS. We need people to choose life over greed, love over career.

80% of the men in prison don't deserve to be there - if you don't believe me email me and I'll try to find info from my dad and other informed men to send to you.

Men who never murdered, raped, or even did drugs are being sent to prison for LIFE.

Men who committed small petty crimes are sitting in jail for MONTHS waiting for a "speedy" trial.

Is this right?

"But our country is better than others."

It doesn't' really matter if we decide to believe these additional lies we are fed - what matters is even if we were better compared, compared is not an excuse to allow injustices to happen in our very own homes. 

"But what can we do?"

Good question. In all honesty I don't have an equally good answer...except this: Start caring, start knowing (educate yourself against the brainwashing of our media), and if ever you see a chance to love do it.

Love through letters, love through peaceful protests, love through actions.

Love in proof. 

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

My First Writer's Conference

End of July I went to my first writer's conference, Realm Makers, in Nevada.

It was a great experience! I loved being surrounded by so many writers ;0 

The best part was meeting people and having conversations. Some of which were about story, some of which were not ;) 

I'd like to share some highlights from the weekend :)

Faces I met, some of which I had previously seen only by picture: 

Met these two on the first day - Tracey and Lisa. Found out later on that they are good friends of one of my best friend's older sisters :D 

A bunch of awesome go teen writer teens!! Spent a lot of time with the two behind me, Audrey and Jonathan

Ted Dekker was the keynote speaker. 

Two more fun girls - Jessi and Charissa

One of the first people I met, Carla Hoch. I had a lovely appointment with her in which she gave me some amazing advice for my stories. She is big into fighting accuracy in stories and has this neat blog about it called Fight Write

One of the nights we all dressed up - Jill Williamson from Go Teen Writers and her husband dressed as characters from Guardians of the Galaxy. 

Olivia, a girl I knew from the blog GTW

Victoria, another GTWer I got to meet in real life ;) 

And Jill Williamson! It was a pleasure meeting her - I discovered Realm Makers through her post at the blog Go Teen Writers. 

There were so many neat things about the conference besides people - though the people were the best. ;) 

There was amazing food - a lot of the times we were served three course meals at fancy tables! 

That stick was chocolate ;p 

Such an artsy watermelon 

That stick was also chocolate ;) 

Dark chocolate fountain ;0 

Isn't that fancy?

For some reason I didn't take any pictures of the food, only desert. And the desert didn't taste nearly as good as it looked ;p

But it was still fun. ;)

There were so many workshops and classes. And I had a few appointments to speak with mentors and agents. 

All of these were extremely fun.

The first workshop was with David Farland. I really enjoyed that, and hearing his story. I found it super interesting that he writes diverse genre yet is a best seller :D

Keynote speaker, Ted Dekker.

Carla Hoch demonstrating realistic fighting techniques. 

I believe this and the next one were from Mary Weber's session - not sure on this ;/ 

Writer's can have some funny things sometimes - and this wasn't the funniest. Some of the topics were quiet questionable as to whether the speakers of words were sane ;)

Even though I was at a writer's conference didn't mean I couldn't write ;)
Hair washed, writing shirt worn, laptop ready.

This is actually true - though I've only put people I like in my novels ;p There's actually no one I hate, so not sure I COULD put in an enemy as those are non existent in my life. 

Of course I had to buy a shirt from the conference ;) pink. Loved it!

I made business cards for the conference - here's the back :D

Ted Dekker gave me a candy bar. I guess it was supposed to be calling to me? ;p 

Books I bought or were given to me :D I tried to be careful and not buy too many books - I feel I did good :) 

My "pile of contacts" ;p

The place I stayed at and where the conference was held:

Have to get a selfie ;)


Something from one of the book stands - just so lovely :) 

As you can see, it was an AMAZING time! 

Have you ever been to a writer's conference? If not would you like to go? If so what made the conference spectacular for YOU? 

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Why I Live On Earth


When Answers Create More Questions (And Other Thoughts)

When the answers you receive continue on this vicious cycle of creating more questions, it may be time to stop. 

Just stop asking.

Not every thing needs to be understood. We don't have to know everything, have all our ducks lined up, see the big picture.

It's OK to be in the dark. To let go. To trust with blind faith.

It's OK to be clueless.

When the advice you receive is so drastically different...some of it is wrong, some of it is clouded in mystery, and some of it might be right...and all the opposing people are smart and decent and trustworthy might be good to know this:

Advice is the personal opinion of others based on their own perceptions of their own experiences and ideas. 

Past that, it really isn't much.

You listen to the advice, take what you need (not just what you like) and discard the rest.

Yes, it is OK to discard advice. Large amounts of advice.

Don't be afraid to take it and hear it. But remember: not all of it must be followed through.

Only you and God can truly understand your circumstances. Not all advice is really going to be beneficial. 

Don't worry...people may hate you. People may think you are being stupid.

You very well might be.

But that might be necessary (or you may just need to be more honest with what yourself, and what you are discarding).

When good people hate you and you don't know why and you want to hate yourself, remember this:

"I don't even know me that well."

How could someone else possibly define me that well?

How could someone else possibly tell me all that's wrong with me? Especially after such a short time?

I've known me for years and I'm still figuring things out.

No other human gets to define who or what I am, what I believe, or where my heart and motivations lie.

When you respect and trust another person to such a level of seeing mostly good in them, it can be hard to see the fault in their words.

Even when that fault is obvious.

Even when you know it's not true.

Even when you know that you aren't what they are saying, when you love what they just said you hated and you hate what they insinuated you love.

There comes a time when you must remove your trust from a person, with out loosing respect for them or yourself.

Never stop respecting.

Otherwise you will end up hating everyone.

 But it's OK to stop believing another's words.

When it's hard to be strong and smile, remember:

We aren't meant to be Superman or Wonder Woman.

Tears are OK.

Being a brick isn't.

Being hateful is wrong.

Being void of human emotions is not healthy.

Be weak. Cry. Hurt.

And then heal. Love. And smile.

It is possible to smile as you hurt and crumble and let your guard down.

It is possible to do what's right and laugh and love even when you are weak.

When life changes, taking a sharp turn, God didn't change his mind.

His plan is just bigger than what we imagined.

And it involves ugly, painful thorns in the shape of heartache, betrayal, lies, uncertainty, hypocrisy, misunderstandings, and evil. 

God's ways aren't smooth, happy-go-lucky cloudless rainbows. 

They very much involve growing pain.

Stretching, shaping, severing.

God's ways are best.

And he doesn't change His mind, saying yes then no.

We just have a hard time listening to him amidst our own bouts of self-joy or depression.

His paths are much more complicated and intricate than mere yes's and no's.

So, listen.

Have faith:
 entrust your desires and questions to Him and let Him settle the answers in His own timing. Let Him lead your feet, direct which words you hear and listen to. Allow God's words to matter and define your life - not any friend's. Lean on God's everlasting strength - follow Him and smile as He comforts you. 

Know that God will lead you toward the best life full of His mighty ways if you but follow and trust Him.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017


I have this really great friend - we love to debate like crazy (both of us say the bluntest things and laugh our heads off the whole time). One would think that we would have offended each other by now...yet we've been friends for years and our friendship just seems to get deeper and more opinionated ;p

This may have something to do with both of us being passionate ENTJ's ;) 

Anyways, a while back (sometime in February or March) we were texting right before I left for a trip. Life was very good, and some great things were happening. 

Like a good friend, she was pretty happy for me.

"You deserve this," she said.

Now the opinionated me disagreed with her (as normal). I was sure that I did not deserve what was happening in my life. 

It was just too good - I felt unworthy. 

I mean, seriously, who deserves anything good? Sometimes we observe some awesome, kind, loving people.  But we know that all fall short of the glory of God. All sin. All fail. All are in desperate need of a savior. 

We are all condemned. 

Thankfully, God loves us despite our horrid natures. And He provided a way to save us from the consequences of what we deserve.

But just because we've accepted His gift of love and forgiveness and redemption from hell doesn't mean that we are entitled to a good, peaceful, joyful life.

True: many of us He blesses with wonderful, amazing things. 

And many of us experience rich, fulfilling lives.

But we are not entitled to blessings. We do not deserve anything.

I did not deserve any of the great things happening in my life, despite God showering me with His love, despite my friends thinking I was sweet and kind and so ready for what was happening.

I was thankful to God.

I was in awe of how He had worked it all out.

It was pretty crazy...suddenly, with out my hand being involved, totally something arranged by not me. 

I mean, it was pretty amazing.

But I understood it was a blessing from God.

Not what God or anyone else owed to me.

Ironically enough (not in a funny way ;/) everything that I supposedly "deserved" fell through just a short while later.

And then I had to learn to act upon the truth I'd already accepted: God is good and blesses us for seasons. But He also may take us through rough times of change and uncertainty and pain.

And the blessings don't always follow the heartache.

Yet, God is good.

I deserve nothing less than His ultimate will

Whether it looks good or bad to outsiders.

Whether it looks like I deserve what is happening or not.

God is the one that payed for and owns my life.

And thus I deserve nothing at all for my own.

It's a humbling thought.

I mean, it would be amazing to live out my dreams.

It would be amazing to not have to hurt. To not experience evil, to understand some things, to live a life of only sunshine

To know that a sunset won't just be followed by darkness.

But that's not God's ways.

God's ways are hard - but He has detailed plans destined for a beautiful outcome, His outcome. I may not know what it will be. But I know even in my trials, He is overly merciful and loving toward me.

And least of all do I deserve this from Him. How could I deserve anything more???

No, I deserve nothing. And so, even in my tears, pain, and uncertainty I can say "Thank you, God!"