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What Do You REALLY Want?

Happy 2020.

It's a new year. And while this excites some, many of you are depressed.

You may believe your life is going nowhere. Whether that's true or not.

You believe you have no dreams, or none worth working toward.

Your thoughts are full of envy.
You despise that person who you think pretends to have a perfect life because all of her photos sparkle with a smile. Envy grows bigger daily at every friend that announces an engagement or job success—so much that you hate them and inwardly accuse them of having it all and not understanding YOU.

You are jealous of every person you see who has a child, a house, or something you don't have. You envy others so much that you hate yourself. The person you dreamed of being ... the you that you IDOLIZED is far from what you wish.

And so you may decide to punish yourself. "I'm deleting my facebook." In the name of needing a break from drama.

"I will never eat sugar again."
"I will never read a romance ag…
Recent posts

Giving It A Second Try

Originally I wasn't going to be an Au Pair in Stuttgart, but for a family with six children just across from the border of Austria in Bavaria. The mother had contacted me around two years, along with two other families. But I immediately loved her best ... she just seemed so nice over messages, and I loved that she had more than the normal two or three kids most German families have. 
But neither of us was very organized. First, I could never come as soon as she wanted. Then it never worked out for us to Facetime. And the contract got lost in the mail. And so many other little things, that when the Stuttgart family contacted me and things actually fell into place, I decided to go with them instead.
It wasn't that I was impatient to get to Germany. I also had a cleaning business to think about. I was in the middle of hiring someone to take over all my houses while I was gone, and she was quitting all of her other work to come work for me. So dates mattered. And yes, I also ha…

Collected Moments

Last year I shared with y'all how I started doing one of the best forms of journaling ever. 
It was inspired from something I saw another girl doing when I was eleven (ironically she and I never got along, and still don't to this day. It's all her fault as she loves pigs, mice, and ticks, and I didn't mind killing any of them). But I went a step further than her. My goal wasn't just to journal in a calendar, but to show myself why every day was special and worth living. 
I wanted to come to the end of the day and think, "What made today different from all the other days I've ever lived?"
The result was 365 days that started from a place of depression and discontentment and ended in wonderous confidence. 
Need I say that 2019 was equally wonderful?  Of course, it's not fair to say it's all because of calendar journaling. I was also very proactive about living every day fully and relying on God more than before. And learning to be okay with thin…


Was 2019 a good year?  It had its awful moments. 
Was it a spectacular year?  It definitely had some amazing memories. 
And yet, I find myself looking back over this last year, asking myself, how well did I live 2019? 
Was it perfect, or a waste of my life? Or something in between? 
There were many times where I thought I'd for sure lose several different friends. There were several times where I just about decided to move out on my own. There were times where I had decided that. There were times I loved America, and times I wanted to go to some other country. There were times that I loved Germany, and times that I missed America so much. 
I saw old friends. I made new friends. 
There were times where I thought I knew my future.  And then something happened to change it and I thought, "Oh, no. That is my future." And then something else happened to change it altogether so that I was back to a blank page. 
There were times where everything was perfect, yet I felt as if s…

Chapter Eleven: The Cottage

The morning was still cold and dark when Susan arose, dressed, and packed a light bag. She nearly added the rings to her bag, but stopped, pondering them a moment. She no longer needed them—but maybe there was someone else that could find solace in them. So Susan wrapped the cigar box of rings with brown paper and wrote an address on it.

She scribbled a note for the maid and placed it in the kitchen, and then Susan left her home for the damp streets.

The Pevensies owned a car, but Susan had never driven it, and she wasn’t about to try and learn to do so now. The railway was not a far distance away, and besides, it would feel good to breathe fresh air. The walk pinkened her cheeks, and the sun slowly came out to warm the sky.

The post office was on the way, so Susan stopped there first and paid for her parcel to be sent before hurrying on to the the railway.

Maybe she was going insane, as Carl believed. Her entire growing up years, she’d fought to be rational, but what if this tragedy…

. . .Or Is This The Same Planet? (AND HIATUS ANNOUNCEMENT)

A Companion post to Calm Down, We All Live On The Same Planet.
I'm the sort of person that believes solutions are always possible.  I'm also the sort of person who is a realist. Meaning, I know that while it takes two to fight, it only takes one to persecute. Sometimes a multitude can be silent accomplices. And sometimes they never know. But either way, the one persecuted doesn't always have the choice to activate a solution. 
Sometimes, while a solution is always possible, it's far out of reach for the person needing it. 
Germany has taught me this more than ever. 
I want everyone to get along. 
But some of our personal philosophies and ideas and values just aren't compatible.  Sometimes there is just no meeting in the middle, no matter how much one wants it. 
And yet it's inevitable to meet somewhere. 
And thus hearts are broken, culture shock ensues and battles rage. 
And yet ... this doesn't mean solutions aren't possible.  Because it's never th…