My readers, acquaintances, and stalkers see the things I accomplish. I, alongside the comfort of my own shadow, know of my distractions and my tendency to focus on the wrong tasks, always a little behind on the priorities, or rather prioritizing things in a haphazard manner.
Some see me as competitive.
Today I make a confession. I am not competitive. I do not do things to compete. I don't bother with comparing myself to others; I have little envy for another's life. I am happy and content, and while someone might inspire me, that inspiration does not lead me toward lust but growth.
Years ago, some strange soul that knew me quite well rightly judged me as having no ambition. To this person that was a taboo personality defect in myself.
For a time, I cared. I tried out ambition... and found myself reverting to the old, simple delights of my life.
Sure, there is a dedication to my work that appears jarringly like competition. . . but appearances, as we all know, lack the reason of motivation.
That classic question containing all the weight of presumed projections: "Why?"
Why does the workaholic love money so much? It's likely he hates money, hardly spends it or gives it all away, but is looking to drown some sorrow in the steady mundane. Perhaps it is the procrastinator who is the most ambitious of us, the one who cares to win the most, who desires the most success. We never really know why anyone is how they are, unless we ask, and unless we wait for someone to give us an honest answer. And even then... do we ever know? Does it really matter to know, just as long as we are aware of our own motivations?
I am at terribly curious and lazy woman, with a strong dose of extroverted self-pride (I like to share the inspiration, what comes around goes around). I do what I do because I love it, because I believe it, because I'm a bit of a workaholic and an extroverted loner.
But to be competitive would devalue all of this. Why would I degrade my visions and handiwork with the base desire to be better than others?? If I truly believed in what I said and did, all I felt for my friends and loved ones would be admiration. I am truly that person that plays the board game determined to win because I enjoy the challenge, but content to lose because another's success doesn't undermine my own worth any more than my success would discredit theirs.
Honestly, I don't believe most people are really competitive beings. Someone might tell me, "Yes, I'm competitive. I like to win."
Well. Who doesn't like winning. But that absolutely doesn't mean you are the sort of person who is jealous over everyone else's wins. Do you really like to see others lose? Others get degraded? Do you really want others to feel like they are unworthy next to you? Then you aren't really a competitive person. You're simply someone who delights in doing all things well, including sports and games.
What baffles me is a competitive spirit between lovers or good friends. No relationship is strengthened by trying to "put one up" on the other. If you "win" in these sorts of situations, you gain nothing but distrust and hatred. Healthy relationships build each other up, congratulate each other, inspire each other, give and take willingly.
And if a moment of envy does stab the heart, be like me and my friends and just blurt out, "We hate each other, don't we?" or "I'm really jealous of you right now."
Often, they will start crying and return the confession, "I'm jealous of you right now, too."
You'll laugh, you'll talk, and you'll go back to being good friends.
Yes, I believe in being focused to your vision. But this stems from the virtues of loyalty, dedication, and self-less love. A truly focused, dedicated mission has little thought of common success or worldly opinions. There is something much more noble at work: the action of dreams wrought.
What is something you do that makes you appear to be competitive?
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