Hey, I'm 21 ;D

So, I don't usually do birthday posts...

But 21 is supposed to be a special age, so why not?

On Monday I had my 21st birthday.

To tell the truth I haven't been that excited about my birthday. I could care less about being 21 (it's supposed to be some sort of magic number???)

The only ages I actually ever looked forward to growing up were 17 and 20. 17 because it was my golden birthday, and 20 because I would no longer be a teenager. 

{I never liked being a teenager and being associated with the drama and stupidity of that age ;p}

17 was a good year. I started working many of my first jobs and started getting out more and experiencing life and what I wanted to do. It was a great year.

20 was (has been weird). I mean, there's been a lot of good.

But a lot of bad, too.

I finally went in and got my driver's license. I was baptized :D Friendships were created and strengthened. I worked a lot, and I've seen my writing do amazing things this last year.

But my life also took a drastic turn two or three times. A really special friendship ended poorly. An uncle of mine died. And one of my best friends isn't allowed to speak to me currently. Plus because of the drastic life changes I'm kinda unsure what I'm supposed to be doing next - I almost feel as if I'm floating the summer away on my tears ;p 

My uncle that died (a picture of us when I was little)

Which isn't bad - except I've always known what I wanted, what to do, and such. And now suddenly I am 21 and have no idea. My goal-driven, love-life, colorful nature seems to be on hold right now. And it seems everyone else knows better than me (too many conflicting "you-must-do-this-to-lead-a-good-life-")

I must admit I want to rebel against all of it.

I don't have to conform to any one's standards of success. I am educated because I study, not because I pay thousands ($) for a degree. Success isn't measured by what sort of job I have, but how well I do it and what I bring from it (I'm a house-cleaner and writer. Two jobs that are looked down upon. But I wouldn't be a doctor or professor or anything in trade. I love my jobs and I make more than I need). 

My life isn't defined by my relationship status (that's why the public world doesn't get to know details like that on facebook or other social media). 

My life isn't defined by the way I dress (it's me - who gets to tell me what is acceptable or not just because something is considered fashionable???).

My life isn't defined by how I look, what I weigh, what I eat (it's funny how each decade changes drastically in what the ideal woman looks like ;p). 

My life isn't defined by anything but who I am.

True, who I am will be reflected in what I do, who I am with, and even how I dress and eat. But those things alone are not what makes ME.

I am who I am in God. 

No-one else.

And right now that's the only stability I have in life. 

A looming future, vast in options and paths, is suddenly opened up before me. 

And the only thing I have that is not failing me is God.

People are stupid and selfish, I've discovered. It's really hard to find someone that's truly a friend. Sure, many say they are. But only the test of time and trials prove the truth: many will run and hide when you truly need them.

Many are hypocrites. Many Christians - "I believe in God." but how many of you confessing Christians truly love any one enough to sacrifice even a little of your life to follow the commandments of Jesus (Yeshua) to love ALL?

I've met few.

How many Christians (or even people) are willing to love another selflessly? Show loyalty and friendship past the point of fair? How many people are willing to stop pursuing self and all the worldly ideas of do-what's-best-for-me and I-just-need-to-discover-who-I-am?

So many lies. And even supposedly Christians are clinging onto the love-me-movement as if life is all about treat-ME-fair.

I've witnessed so much hate this last couple of years.

And it's depressing. 

What sort of future do any of us HAVE???

I even wonder why God still lets us live - why so many want to live in such a way.

I am 21. I have my whole life before me.

But all I feel is hurt. All I see is stupidity. I am trying to not give into bitterness, but, man, is it hard. I want to smile. I still love laughing. I even still stand up for and love the people that have hurt me the worst. But it's so hard to be content in a world that hates.

I am no feminist, but I will stand up for the woman being torn down because of how her body does or doesn't look. I am frustrated with how our culture portrays women in film and in fashion. We are more than sex objects. We are more than our bodies. I am frustrated even at how many men treat me (with too much "eyes" or with none at all).

But even on that note, I am frustrated with how many women treat men. Grouping all men in one category as hateful men that can't see women for who they are. That is just as wrong.

Both femininity and masculinity are dying, being stripped away. Women are told to dress to please, not to be pretty. Men are told to remain silent (where are our courageous leaders???)

Hate is happening on both sides.

Just as it is wrong for a white man to hate a black man, or a black man to hate a white man.

Where is kindness? Love? Commitment?

Yes - so I am a little frustrated at the future I have to work with.

But I also have hope.

I am being surprised that there are those who are proving through the test of time to be lovers of God and ALL people.

And when I mean all people this includes women, men, babies, Islamics, blacks, Native Americans, whites, and the list goes on. And I am not saying to condone anything against God, but to love in the way God wants us to, void of personal bias. We can still love as we stay standing in the ways of God's desires.

And so, these are my thoughts entering 21.

Trying to move on from the past. Trying to learn how to truly smile again with out bitterness. Trying to not hate those I want to love. Trying to love those I want to hate. Trying to know which path God wants me to step on.

Also, to end this on a happy note, I do have some plans for this summer and for this blog.

Life plans: End of this month I am going to my first writer's conference!!!!! I may be moving out from home this fall. Both of these are big things. Still have to see what happens though - I really am drifting this summer through as I re-find purpose and direction. But I have some ideas swimming around my head - hopefully some of them will find a way out to working out in my life ;)

Blog plans: I am working on a short story for a serial on this blog. Once it is done it will be posted regularly every Saturday or every other. Still deciding. Hoping to have this done by October. Also, I am working on a series for my regular postings. This will be about life and writing lessons I am learning through the ideas I see expressed in God's nature following the theme of my prairie post. One will be about Rainbows and Storms, another about Sunsets. And there will be others, of course. These will probably be showing up around September. 

Writing plans: I am almost done with my second novel. Once that is done and beta readers are taken care of I will devote a lot of time to improving blog posts. I will also be started a new novel (of which I am excited about!). I am also hoping to start pursuing publication seriously as I feel my second novel should see the world face to face.

I do write, a lot > here's the proof 

Travel plans: I plan to go the writer's conference end of July. And I hope to see a friend in Idaho. And another in a town a couple hours away. And I really want to visit my TN friends, and my good friend Mary in KY - but these last two most likely won't happen until next year or so. I also have some out of country plans (in the works), but we shall see. To be honest, I am very tired of traveling. But it seems to be a huge part of what God has for me in life right now.

Back in June when I did a short road trip in WA

Work plans: I love housecleaning. I make more money than I would anywhere else I could get a job, plus I enjoy the work (I like being active) and it's just a great line of work. I love the people I clean for. Even if I move this fall I will continue housecleaning. I would also love to take on some tutoring positions and such ;) I have also been doing a lot of custom sewing.

When I went to see one of my friend and her boyfriend - we had to get a goofy picture :) 

Education plans: I love learning, but college does not seem to be in my near future life. I am still studying. I have been doing well with learning German. I have been going through this English course that is fun. I received my High Set (MT equivalent of GED). I have been doing great studying other books and subjects and reading ancient awesome things ;) Love podcasts, lectures (I go to many whenever I can), and such. 

When I decided to do a ten mile round walk in the 100 degree heat of day to and from town ;p 

Well, people - I do think an update on the author of this blog was overdue.

I hope it wasn't too long, or boring, or even depressing. I promise I am trying to not change drastically from all that's been happening - I want to make sure my disposition remains true to the colors of this blog ;p

Also, on a fun note, I learned two new words recently. One is scintillating. It basically is an adjective that means sparkling. The other is much more fun - defenestrate. A verb that means to throw someone out a window.

Sometimes I feel if all stupid idiots would be defenestrated the world would be much better (don't want them to die, just some sense shaken into them ;D)

So - now you all can tell me happy birthday and to have a blessed adult life. Also, I didn't buy any beer ;) Like, I've made it very clear, I'm not for conforming. I'd rather buy the stuff the day after just to prove my point :D 

Haha - Just kidding ;p 

Confession: I've always said I dislike sunglasses, but then realized I need a pair for driving to work ;p Also, to lessen eye strain (life, stress, etc) I bought a pair of computer glassed ;D