I am so tired of saying life is fine.
I am so tired of trying to be strong and mature and wise.
I just want to cry, I just want someone to truly see me and try and understand and not turn away when they see who I really am. I am tired of smiling and pretending things are OK.
Nothing is alright.
I am not evil – or am I? Certain people make me feel so evil. So worthless.
I want to lead a life that is honorable toward God and others. I don't want to live for me EVER. I don't want to understand myself more, I want to understand others.
But there comes a point when I can just no longer do it.
My trying only ends in hurt. I can't understand. No one else can understand.
Everything I believe, everything I work for - it all gets muddied with misunderstanding and hurt and lies.
I am not strong. I am weak.
I am not mature. I am uncertain. I am scared, not confident that things will work out for anyone's good.
And I so hate the #adulting movement.
This so doesn't help our case at all.
I mean, come on! Life isn't about #adultingishard
I mean, being a kid was hard. Being a #teen wasn't an easy life.
Being an adult is no worse.
And in fact, as adults we have so many privileges and opportunities with few people trying to control us. It is better, in many ways. Not harder.
Sure there is tons of stress, and hurt, and relationship problems. But that doesn't make us more in need to rant about how hard it is, or how good we are doing it, just because we can not take out our own trash, make our own appointments, buy our own food.
#adulting doesn't make one more mature. It shows just how childish we all are still...bragging about doing things that most 12 year-olds should be capable of.
I'm not going to say life is fine anymore, either.
'Cause it's not.
It stinks worse than that garbage we are so proud of having dumped out back.
Look about you. Our country is one huge mass of idiots. Self-promoting idiots, feministic idiots, embracers of sin.
Animals matter more than babies.
Trees matter more than our neighbors' needs.
Our desires matter more than another's feelings.
No one understands what it means to choose and accept consequences, to love others, to be loyal to what is right and to commitments, to encourage the broken, to sacrifice our wants for another.
Why are so many choosing such a self-destructive path, the we-have-a-right and demanding-fair road of #adulting, and being strong and tolerant of sin, but hateful toward God and people?
Why do we hate so many people? Those that believe “stricter” than us? Those that are liberals? White males, blacks, homosexuals (not okaying their sin), raging control-freak women?
We are each hateful, judgmental, unemphatic, hypocritical morons.
All of us are a bunch of stupid idiots.
We won't evaluate our own motives and ambitions, but we are quick to tear others down… or accept what is “politically correct”.
Yes, I am tired of saying “It's fine. That's life.”
I am tired of being OK with all of that. I am not going to be strong anymore. I am not going to join the world of #adultingishard
I am going to be a weak follower.
Not a strong individual striving to be understood or for what is “fair”.
A follower of my merciful, powerful, perfect-judging, loving Father.
I will hate what He hates, and love all those that He loves.
Life isn't fine. But God is good, anyways.
I don't have to be overwhelmed by stress, evilness, unfairness, uncertainty, pain. I don't need to care what other's think about me – both “good” and “bad” people will hate me. But that will never define who I really am.
I don't need to fight for fair.
I don't need to be understood.
I don't need to prove I am strong or an adult.
I don't need to smile and laugh and pretend everything is great.
I only need to abandon all my ways and accept that God's ways are best. That this life isn't about being fine, but about loving.
About having pure relationships with Him and His.