Satisfied

This last January I was staying with some friends. They are very musically talented, and I extremely enjoyed watching them play and sing. It was amazing.

One night they sang a song that was beyond talent. The lyrics were beautiful and seemed to know exactly what had been on my mind and heart for so long, mimicking my thoughts and feelings and desires better than I could have ever thought to:

Being completely and wholeheartedly content (satisfied) in God alone.

For so long my utmost desire has been to thirst for God more than anything. At times this desire is extremely frustrating as it seems I can't get past thirsting to thirst.

It's as if I want to desire, but get so distracted with life that I don't know if my desire is real or not, or stemmed from selfishness to want to be reassured by God that all will end well and I am safe in Him. Sometimes I wonder, if I lost everything that made me me would I still want to desire God?

When do the things God gave us become idols? How can I truly know if I'm embracing what I do for His glory and not for my own satisfaction?

I constantly think what would I do with out the things that are important to me? For everyone this looks differently, but for me these things are

-People. Family, friends, everyone

-Writing

-Artistic projects

-Dreams. Goals. Desires.

These things are what make my life wonderful. But I wonder, with out them, would God be enough? I want the answer to be yes. But, honestly, would it?

Life is too good most of the time. And this makes it even harder to be able to answer such a question.

I mean, I'm not saying life is perfect. It's far from that. I have constant worries, fears, and stress. I have so many questions. So many choices. So many desires.

But despite struggles, despite the feelings that life is truly terrible and horrid, despite the fact that I tend to get hurt by people and circumstances a lot, I still feel blessed and content and love life.

I know that life is a gift from God. And that even amidst unwanted circumstances, amidst feeling like a victim of unwanted consequences, I am still thankful God made me. And I totally yearn to find ways to smile and live the life He gave me to the fullest.

So, when I say life is too good, I mean sometimes I feel too happy when I think maybe I shouldn't.

And words of other's haven't helped much.

I've been told I'm too happy and too positive, that I can't see life realistically. That I did not know how to be serious.

I have also been told, just as often, that I am a skeptical pessimist that is always negative, haha. :D

For those of you that don't know me well, both of these statements about me are 100% true.

It's like I have a conflicting negative/ positive attitude that constantly tears me a part. And confuses both me and others.

When life is hard I thrive. When life is easy I float.

Both times I yearn to know God more fully…. But I feel desperate. Will I ever be past the yearning? Will my desire ever be satisfied? To completely, totally know God?

Or is it just a slow, long, meticulous journey that ends only when life is done?

I have learned over the months that part of being content is being OK with not knowing. It's OK to not have answers, to not know where something is going.

Doubt will come. And that is fine.

I can still allow my God's peace to comfort me.

I don't have to stress over trying to be content. I can just relax and learn to sit back and see or hear what God want's me to.

I can experience His presence even when:

I have to eat my tears, when food is not appealing

life is wonderful and feels too good

I am asked huge questions I do not know the answer to

I ask questions that have no immediate answers

I have to do things that feel impossible

I have nothing to do.

I still desperately want to be satisfied (this is one of my new favorite words. It is so much more intense than simply being content) in God alone and nothing else. I still want to experience and know His presence so that it is so strong in my life that I need nor want anything else.

And this song, and the Psalm it is based off of, seem to capture all these thoughts perfectly.

I'd like to close off with the words from Psalm 42, MESSAGE, - normally I don't like this version for study, but the words are so poetic... and fitting. I also recommend reading this chapter in other versions. It's powerful no matter how it's written.

A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek; I want to drink God, deep draughts of God. 

I'm thirsty for God-alive. I wonder, "Will I ever make it - arrive and drink in God's presence?" 

I'm on a diet of tears - tears for breakfast, tears for supper. All day long people knock at my door, Pestering, "Where is this God of yours?" 

These are the things I go over and over, emptying out the pockets of my life. I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd, right out in front, Leading them all, eager to arrive and worship, Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving - celebrating, all of us, God's feast! 

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God - soon I'll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He's my God. 

When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse everything I know of you, From Jordan depths to Hermon heights, including Mount Mizar. 

Chaos calls to chaos, to the tune of whitewater rapids. Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers crash and crush me. 

Then God promises to love me all day, sing songs all through the night! My life is God's prayer. 

Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God, "Why did you let me down? Why am I walking around in tears, harassed by enemies?" 

They're out for the kill, these tormentors with their obscenities, Taunting day after day, "Where is this God of yours?" 

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God - soon I'll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He's my God.