The Social Porcupine

Christian friends used to ask me, "What has God been doing in your life?"  It felt like a trick question, or a set-up for a lecture. I didn't want to answer. It wasn't meant as an accusation, many probably thought it a theologically correct cool substitute for "How are you?" I would answer, and nearly always receive disapproving comments. My friend-group and lifestyle have changed a lot. It's been over three years since somebody has asked me that question. I'm glad. And yet... I now ask myself, what is God been doing in my life? Sometimes I self-reprimand, but often I simply just don't know. Is it good that I'm happier? What does this mean? Was it wrong to leave behind all things stifling? I feel the realness of holy ground all about me, no longer sequestered to a single building. At last, I am functioning more in my giftings and callings. And still, just what is God doing in my life? What are words when I'm living them. I...

I dream.  The fish is large and shiny, pink and crimson bouncing off its scales. I know I've caught a good one. It's nearly as long as my arms... my arms are pretty long, by the way.  I'm stressed and hungry and waiting for Someone  to show me how to gut it. But none know I'm waiting for them. I haven't the nerve to ask for help. Instead, I throw the fish into my car, near to the flax mattress I've been sleeping on.  The fish has been in there a whole day already. I don't remember when I last ate, if ever. I suppose I once ate, once when I was alive and in a festive mood. I'd feast now if I could. You can't eat a fish until its innards are removed, right? And naturally, it must be cooked. But I know how to cook just fine.  Perhaps I'll starve, and let the fish stink up my car. I don't even enjoy fishing anyway. Why did I catch this thing? Why did I have a fishing pole? My stomach rumbles, reminding me I need no reason. I had a reason, though....

So, just thought you all would like to see how my mind works... all day these words have been spinning through my mind for no reason whatsoever. :) I say no reason because all I have is not a nightmare, and I want for nothing, and never dream ;)