The Social Porcupine

I don't feel boredom. I'm recovering from an addiction to anxiety (so I've been drawing faces onto my toes) After a steady workaholic season I decided it was time to get on the road again. This time indefinitely and with less structure than before. I basically won't come home until I've danced in Tennessee, and hopefully l'll return with twenty-five feet of tatted lace.  I will most likely stay on the road longer than that. I need to learn to hold onto something (faith). And I need to prepare myself for some big changes.  My first destination was a family reunion in Oklahoma. But first I organized a hike with a random assortment of Colorado friends (they did not know each other).  We did a lot of car camping and caravanning for the weekend there. We tried to visit a small cult I love, but that didn't work out. I found a beautiful café and saw googly eyes on construction cones. But this lower picture is from some bathroom in Co...

Fear, My once close-friend and ever-near companion. I let fear linger on after the lights dimmed; It chased away both my sleep and my dreams. I let fear control me in the name of caution, And it won. I trusted my fears over God's words. I let fear rule my reality. Loss, It happens to all of us. But maybe to those who fear the most? But why does it always seem unique to me? Why is my loss harder to bear? Why can't I find the breath to smile? Emotions, Empty feelings are still emotions. I've tried to kill them, to pretend I didn't feel them. But empty feelings are dark, alone, depressed. They are worse than feelings. To ignore my tears is to not find hope. It's OK to grieve. It's OK to want to scream. It's OK to heal, to learn to smile again. It's OK to cry every night; For a little while, I'll shed my tears. Healing, It happens eventually, if I'll allow it inside my heart. Healing is a choice to forgive the past; ...

Life is strange. And any one who disagrees - well, we need to hash some things out ;p Lately I've been thinking about rainbows and storms. On a figurative level As real things, I love both. Rain is necessary for my part of the world. Rainbows are beautiful. And storms aren't evil. But.. - with a figurative sense of the two in mind, think of this question, "Would you rather have a rainbow followed by a storm, or the storm first finalized with a rainbow?" I asked a friend this a while back, first giving my answer: It seems my life is often a rainbow before a storm . (I think many of us can relate.) Good things happen. The rainbow is beautiful, wonderful.  But then the storm kicks in. And it's awful. The rainbow is washed away - you have nothing left. And nothing to look forward to. Your rainbow has already happened, and there is no hope of another.  All I have then is the storm. And ever after when something good...

This last January I was staying with some friends. They are very musically talented, and I extremely enjoyed watching them play and sing. It was amazing. One night they sang a song that was beyond talent. The lyrics were beautiful and seemed to know exactly what had been on my mind and heart for so long, mimicking my thoughts and feelings and desires better than I could have ever thought to: Being completely and wholeheartedly content (satisfied) in God alone. For so long my utmost desire has been to thirst for God more than anything. At times this desire is extremely frustrating as it seems I can't get past thirsting to thirst. It's as if I want to desire, but get so distracted with life that I don't know if my desire is real or not, or stemmed from selfishness to want to be reassured by God that all will end well and I am safe in Him. Sometimes I wonder, if I lost everything that made me me would I still want to desire God? When do the things Go...

I just realized something awful the other day . . . I haven't updated you all on my life in a long while!!! For that I am sorry!  I have been living . . . I just had forgot to tell you all ;p  Anyways . . . Life.  Ummm . . . I mean to update you. But where to start??? I have been busy. But with what? (Ever feel like that ;p)  I have been busy trying to work too much. I actually had to let go a couple of jobs these last couple months. I just couldn't keep up with it all. I also had to sell most of my goats ;/ I have one goat right now. A white doe named Luna. But I really don't take care of her. My little brother, Josiah, does. Awhile back I asked, very serious like, him, "Josiah, is my goat still alive?" When I first bought Luna she was so wild it took us several hours to catch her... that to my best milk goat! I must say I'm proud of what she has become :D For some reason my mom thought that was hilarious. But I was trul...

Another mountain climbed. Another valley crossed. They turned over another cornerstone, opened a new page. They have done much in life. "God, why am I the only christian that had made neither progress in my walk with you, and with the destiny of my life? Am I lukewarm? Neither hot nor cold?" Before me. Behind me. It's the same. It stretches for miles and miles. I continue to move, but the scenery stays the same. An unending prairie - in front and behind. Dull. Lifeless. Void of anything different. Yet, I continue to go. My path is too easy to walk. Yet I find this in itself too hard. Because when something is hard, when it has texture it is easier to keep going. It must also be easier to forget that they even have to walk, and in a way one could enjoy the hardships, because it adds color to life. Their mountains and valleys show progress. All around me, my friends join me on my path for a short while, before heading back to their mountains. I hear...