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How to be Depressed

This world is too happy.

Look at the smiles everywhere! It's disgusting.

Wide mouthed laughter? Squinting eyes?

I mean, come on. Why!?

People being nice to each other for no reason.

It's not right. It's not realistic. It's disaster waiting to happen.

And that is why I intend to bring it down…. show you all exactly how to be depressed in just a few short easy steps. Because, if we want to get rational, there is no point being happy for a time when we know that everything ends in death.

That's right. Death. Dark, lonely, depressing death.

Wipe that smile off your face… hey, even kill the imaginary one in your soul. Because it is time to bleed and cry. To feel terrible, worthless, pessimistic.


1. Just eat it. I don't care if it's full of sugar. Or chemicals. Or whatever they call garbage this day. If it tastes good, eat it. Perfect first ingredient to creating lethargy in your life. And lethargy means certain depression.

2. Kill motivation. Just do what you want. And don't care about tomorrow. I think that may actually be a Bible verse? But you don't need to check it out… that's just work. And you don't need work in your sad, little life. Oh, don't move or be active if you can help it either.

3. Don't smile. Just don't. That isn't natural.

4. Don't have friends. They are just too much trouble. They really know how to make a party sick. You don't need that.

5. Forget stability and safety and such. Those are all illusions anyways.

6. Make promises. And don't keep them. Really makes you feel like a first-rate jerk. Greatest thing ever.

7. Don't believe in qualities you don't possess. Oh, and don't possess any good qualities. They are just difficult. Respect? Love? Loyalty? Honesty? Just trash them. Create habits that take no work. Let life be easy.

8. Never trust anyone. Especially yourself.

9. Look in the mirror and say, “You are ugly. And worthless” ten times every day. Even if it's not true it won't take long for it to become reality. Just keep at it.

10. Don't do things. Have talents or hobbies? No. Those create too much self-worth, confidence, and optimism. Huge no-no's.



And that's it, people. Get to it. Start practicing before things really get bad.

Embrace the stiff, cold hands of reality.

You'll never regret it.


*Disclaimer* This is satire. Please, do not stop smiling, EVER!

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