My Hands Are Tied, My Heart Is Hid

Mittens I knitted

*/*/*/*/* 

Father, why did you give me hands 
If you desire my life to 
Be always out of my reach? 

Father, why do you tell me, "Stand! 
I have much for you to do." 
If only to flood my beach. 

Father, they say home is where the heart is. But my heart is everywhere ... or nowhere. 

Father, they say this world is not my home. 
But would you give Eden to a foreigner? 

I don't wish to follow my heart. 
Yet I do wish to find it. 
Father, I yearn to find home. 

If I may not control my part 
Or place in life, so be it. 
Take my hands, but give me Shalom. 

 */*/*/*/* 

Some things I've learned this last month:

>It's possibly to be rejoicing over one thing and grieving over another at once 

>Peace can strengthen your days and stress can rule your nights, and sometimes the two can intermingle

>One can be angry and grateful in the same moment 

>You can love and "hate" the same person 

>Loving life doesn't mean you don't worry about the future 

 */*/*/*/* 

Something I posted on FaceBook, January 17:

Today I begin my 36th journal, a gift from my first Au Pair family. 

Today the shallowness of humanity weighs on me. But then, I've felt it much this month. I hear of the world being torn apart, I feel the hatred and idolizing from both spectrums. And then, I scroll through Facebook and see apathy in the form of people laughing over memes that hold little wit or humor. 

One of the ladies I've cleaned for years died while I've been here. A young man who as a young child I thought was the greatest fun also passed away. An older man who wasn't really that old died suddenly in his sleep. A young boy, bright and full of love, was killed by a semi. 

And the world screams for Trump's impeachment or claims he's the saviour of America. We have entitled "adults" demanding that they be let alone to live their dreams; no to be GIVEN their desires for no cost. 

We have people trampling over each other in hatred, and in "tolerance". We have Christians tearing down Christians. We have Christians telling others to "suck it up", that all that matters is the next life. We have atheists making a laughing stalk of those who claim to love God but spend their time "rejuvenating" themselves rather than nurturing the broken outside their homes. 

 And then we post quotes from our favorite movies. Or safe scriptures. Or debate non-important issues. Or contribute to far away, safe charities to ease our conscience. I know the world has always been falling. 

But sometimes I feel it more than at other times. Sometimes I wonder why I record anything in a journal. It's all pointless. 

What isn't shallow? Why do I want to live a full life in THIS world composed of self-serving idiots who wish only to pretend all is good, to bloat their time with meaningless media or propaganda or words? 

 Sometimes I think the greatest curse bestowed on mankind is language. We do so much with it, and yet so little. We say so many pretty things, except when it matters. 

 It feels like I'm being sucked down in a whirlpool of zombies. Except sometimes I wish to be one of those zombies. To be able to wander life without caring about the chaos all around. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't have a brain, that my heart simply beat with no actual reason. This wish never lasts long. I meet people who are like me, who also care and think, who also feel they are drowning in others' indifference. 

Today one of these persons was an Au Pair from Mexico. I haven't had such a stimulating conversation in months. We didn't agree on much, but yet we agreed on so much because we both see the world falling. And he gave me new perspectives to ponder. 

Today I am grieving for a sweet little boy that should've lived longer and would have loved greatly all who came across his path. 

Today I am hesitating before starting a new journal, wondering just what to record... how to capture both heartbreak, frustration, and hope? 

And to try to remember that not all laughter is shallow.

 */*/*/*/* 

Posted on FB January 19:

Something I once mumbled unconsciously to myself and someone else: "Ugh. I'm so stupid. But then ya know? Honestly, so are you sometimes." 

 */*/*/*/* 

//I've discovered German and U.S. kids aren't all that different.// 

When you've just got into the groove of a song ... and then the kid you're with skips to the next song. You push away the urge to fight a losing battle, and you try to get into the new song. 

Just as you're succeeding and loving the beat, the kid skips to another. And then again. And again and again and again. 

This is when you learn what it means to just roll with the beats. Sometimes life is hard because it /isn't/ just one melody, or even a nice medley. 

Sometimes life stinks because you don't get to choose the melody, or because the melody often changes just as you're starting to like it. 

You have two choices: 

1. Curl up and cry 

2. Dance while you can, and then dance some more 

And if you're feeling especially generous, you can always gift the child a scratched CD.

 */*/*/*/* 

Posted on FB January 31:

If we find a genie, one of the three rules is that we can't wish for more wishes. 

But can we wish this?: that the next hundred people to find the lamp must forfeit their wishes to me. 

 #askingforafriend

 */*/*/*/* 

Posted on FB January 12:

Today at church the priest asked the children what one needed for baptism. 

The children all gave generic answers of water, priest, cross, and such. And then one little boy says, "Man braucht einen Kopf." (one needs a head) 

The priest (and everyone) laughed. Then he said that was very true, a good point. I think we can all agree this is true no matter your stance on baptism.

 */*/*/*/* 

More of what I've learned: 

>I can laugh with hysterics over one thing while wanted to cry about another. And the tears don't take away from the joy. They are simply seperste, but both of me.

>I can need humanity and despise them at the same time

>Sometimes I don't know what to do, but I do it anyways, telling myself, "You're not allowed to regret this."

>Rejection is good. It also helps you understand others better. 

>It's okay to do things that make you cringe, as long as God isn't cringing.

 */*/*/*/* 

Call this my wrap-up for the first month of 2020, if you will. How did the new year start for you?