A Defense For Small Talk

 "I don't know how to say what I need to say." 

"Let's just chat for a bit then."

And so we did. 

Somehow, for a moment, all deep and difficult things became irrelevant, or at least a bit less serious, as we laughed and appreciated the simple blessings that were ours. In those moments of small talk, all the right things were said. 

If we are honest, I think that deep conversationalists must envy small talkers: can they ever attain the spontaneity and freedom of simply not having to take care of every word? Indeed, all the "real" moments and discussions are but servants of light-hearted joys. 

"Personally, I have a hard time finding friends with which I can have a real conversation," I've heard many say. "I just don't do small talk."

I enjoy provoking, insightful dialogue very much. Obviously, or I wouldn't have this blog. Nor have the comment section open, etc. That being said, I think that small talk can too easily be dismissed as inferior or repulsive. 

I do not enjoy shallowness, complacency, or vulgarity. But is small talk really any of that? 

What do people really mean when they say they "don't do small talk", or that it's just not their thing? Perhaps they are incapable . . . or have never tried, and thus are unaware of the delights that only small talk may offer. 

Why would anyone hate something because it is not the other thing? Just because it is airy and inviting does not mean it is unimportant. 

* * * 

"Less is more."

I'm not sure what this phrase first implied. A quick google search says it was first in print in Robert Brown's poem "Andrea del Sarto". It does seem to have more artistic connotations than anything, inferring that elegance is most when it is simple. So it goes for architecture, painting, writing (especially short fiction), decorating, and even the rugged beauty of lifestyle. 

And so, why can't we say this is true of even our daily conversations? Need we always have a complicated conversation that uproots every issue to toss it about in the sun for a good? How much fertilizer do we need to be ever adding to our souls and spirits in order to flourish? Does there come a time when "less is more" even in our conversational interactions? 

To be able to not worry over the soil, to just enjoy the plant as it blossoms or withers away into seeds that need no interference for planting. Can we just enjoy a person for the small words that spring to life through their lips?

"Ah! But isn't it windy today?" 

"Sure is. I think I'll go home and make myself a strong cup of Oolong." 

"You like Oolong!?" 

"Yeah! But always it's best with a George Eliot book . . . or any book for that matter."

"Doesn't that sound nice? I hope you enjoy your book and tea."

And what good are the deep conversations of ours, unless they plow fields in which delightful pastimes are more firmly able to thrive? Do not hard things prepare the ground so that better, more beautiful things may abound?

*  *  * 

"Ah," you may say. "But I love long, deep conversations." 

As do I! They are moments that create such long-lasting bonds. Often they spark an acquaintance into a fiery friendship. 

And, oh the joys such friendships give us! When we need not always exert ourselves to speak clearly, deeply, thoroughly in order to understand each other. When we know from tiny mannerisms how that other person is doing and that the best thing for them is not to ask, "How are you" but to show that we care by sitting them on the couch with a plate full of cheesy-baked zucchini slices. And then, because we know they need cheering more than an outpouring (for now), we draw together and speculate whether or not we'd risk touching a dead armadillo in order to make a flower pot out of it. 

Yes, deep conversations have their place. But I think we should be desiring to give them only small slots of energy and time. The art of chit-chatting on and on about the joys and even petty things of life pulls out our human sides as nothing else can. Even deep conversations must be sprinkled throughout with chatting, else it will become dull, listless, boring. 

I believe that small talk is more universally good. It connects even where vocabulary may be scarce. It has the ability to show compassion, liveliness, and awareness with minimal effort (or so it seems, when performed by those who have mastered this art). Those who love "gabbing" know that even the weather is important. Not because it is noncontroversial, but because it involves life. 

For those who seek reform, for those that adore controversy, and for all who desire to see Yeshuah's (Jesus') light spread over Earth; these people ought to be the greatest advocates of small talk. 

Simply put, small talk is an art because it appreciates life. There is no "that's just weather" or "who cares about that? What is your point?" 

Small talk is the point; it is life upheld; it is God's light shown, even if not verbally articulated. 

* * * 

How to converse in such a manner? Notice small things. And then comment on them.

"I love the colors on your shirt!" 

"Have you been to the new Winco's yet?" 

"Did you notice I'm the only one not wearing black tonight?"

Generic questions are good, too. 

"What have you been reading?" 

"What's the most exciting thing you've done this week?" 

"How are you doing?" (this works as a small talk opening, too, especially as it's a question that often gets brushed over onto other topics)

And then be spontaneous! A lot of people aren't good at this. But just because you aren't doesn't mean you can't become better. Just roll with it. Let the dialogue exchange be free to go all over the place. Don't be flustered when it seems to go nowhere. Be overjoyed and thrilled in moments of diverse, variegated emotions. Don't try to hold onto all the wisps . . . you will be exhausted. Rather admire them for the brief moment they last, then greet the next moment with equal enthusiasm. 

* * * 

I asked someone the other day, "Do you consider small talk inferior to deep conversations?"

"You mean like talking about the weather and such?"

"Yeah."

"Huh. I don't know. What do you think?"

I laughed. "I would almost say that it is superior; that deep conversations cultivate small talk."

Of course, I don't mean to say the deep conversations are irrelevant. And really, they aren't even lesser than small talk. But I do think they are something meant to lead to more, and that more is the enjoyment of life. 

It's like when people talk about "being real". As if that means only to dump out all one's sorrows, anxieties, and fears. As if joy is not real. As if wearing a smile is fake. As if wearing a smile when I feel like crying is lying rather than doing something about how I feel. 

Saying that one prefers deep conversations to small talk to the extent that they'd prefer to never engage in the blathering whims of life is to say that life is only worth talking about when one's soul is being shredded by high-intense, gut-wrenching, spirit-stressed episodic dialogues. 

Do you enjoy small talking? How is the weather where you're at? 

Written 02/07/21