Saturday, March 7, 2015

Scamish [ Scam Amish ]

Inspired by true events.

Amish. A word that says a lot.

A culture. A religion. A way of life. And even a cult according to some.

This people holds more fascination over people than probably any other in the 21st century. Maybe it's because they look like they belong to the 1800's.

The thing is most people know absolutely nothing about the Amish. That's right. Nothing. All those books and movies out there portray a false image of Amish.

So much that some people that shouldn't, get mistaken for Amish.

One such man is named Lawrence Miller.

He knows a lot about the Amish. And even has the same mutual fascination for them as most people.

Only difference is he actually knows them.

That's why he isn't one of them.

Still, being an Amish man can have its ups. And it is rather awesome.

So, pretending to be Amish is what he does. And he fools just about everyone.

He lives on a small farm with his wife and five small children all under eight. The kids are homeschooled and have big grins - two factors that people use as proof that they are Amish.

They raise all sorts of animals - cows, goats, sheep, chicken, peacocks, Muscovy ducks, horses, turkeys and even dogs and cats. I'm sure they have even more, but that's all I've seen myself.

Mr Miller does construction on the side - something a lot of Amish will do. But mostly he's a farmer.

Unlike Amish, he does have internet and a house phone. He loves Craigslist and advertises his livestock, eggs, milk and produce as well as other things.

One day Mr Miller gets a call from a real Amish man wanting Muscovy ducks.

"I didn't know any Amish lived that a ways!?" He's pretty excited. He gets along with them pretty well.

The man - Benjamin Masher, assures him there are Amish there, then makes arrangements to meet him. "Just as soon as I can get someone to drive me down there," Benjamin says.

Amish do not drive cars, but horse and buggies. If they need to go some where far they hire someone to drive them.

Lawrence says nothing about being Amish himself. He never actually tells anyone that he is Amish, people just assume it. But he never tells them that he's not.

The next week Benjamin comes out to buy the Muscovy ducks.

Lawrence is all ready and waiting when the car pulls up.

Benjamin - a plump man with a short beard - gets out from the front passenger seat.

Lawrence tries to hide a smile a smile as he looks at this man. He's wearing regular "English" denim jeans and a pair of suspenders over an old faded t-shirt. An old straw hat sits upon Benjamin's head and it isn't in the Amish style. His hair has a slight Amish cut. That is all.

Benjamin is not an Amish man.

Benjamin stammers when he introduces himself to Lawrence. It is evident to Lawrence that Benjamin knows nothing about Amish.

"Oh. I didn't know you were Amish."

Even though Lawrence's outfit is not genuine Amish it is closer than Benjamin's. His beard is longer. His hat is the real deal. And he has the Amish bowl haircut.

Lawrence laughs a little. He shows the ducks to Benjamin. Benjamin gives the money to him without complaint.

Normally he would jew a man down, but Benjamin isn't in the mood.

After his embarrassment subsides a little, Benjamin starts asking more questions about how Lawrence does things.

Depending on the question, Lawrence answers some according to how he does things and some to how the Amish do them.

Benjamin was fascinated.


He would have talked all day, but his driver honked the horn, impatient.

"So, you don't drive?" Lawrence asked curious.

"No, its another one of those things that tie you down, ya know."

"Yeah." Lawrence smiled inwardly. He drove. He'd rather be tied down in that way than obliged to another person.

"We'll, thanks for the ducks. Can I come visit the community some time soon?"

"Yep. Sure can!"

"Thanks." Benjamin shook Lawrence's hand then climbed into the car.

As Lawrence watched Benjamin drive away he started laughing. He laughed so hard, his voice could be heard over the whole farm.

He'd have some story to tell tonight. Benjamin still didn't know that Lawrence was no Amish man.

Lawrence had tricked the tricker without even trying.

~ Keturah Lamb


  1. Hey, I just wanted to make sure that you are aware of the fact that the term "jew a man down" is derogatory and can be taken offensively. Aside from that, I liked your story. (After you've given it some thought, feel free to remove this comment or don't let it show up in the comments- I don't really know how blogs work.)

    1. Thanks for letting me know, but its not meant to be derogatory but artistic. It is a common phrase in a lot of cultural stories including the Dear America series. :)

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!! That is really funny!!!!! People still ask us if WE are Amish and we SOOOO aren't!!!!!!

  4. Haha! Enjoyed the post Keturah!


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