Inevitably Selfish, Loose Pain, and If A Guy Changes

Inevitably Selfish 

“To be whole is to be broken. To be connected is to be separated. One must know madness to 

understand this, and all that dwells deeper inside the mind.” The professor smiled toward his students. 

Vann winced. To him that smile felt wrong, evil. He raised his hand. 

“Yes, Vann?” The professor sighed, as if he'd rather not hear Vann’s voice. Vann already had a reputation, after just three classes. 

Vann’s seat mate, Maggie, elbowed his ribs. “You’ve got him worried.” 

Vann ignored her. “It sounds to me as if you are proposing a form of selfishness? One that leads the searcher down a path of loneliness.” 

The professor gritted his teeth, smiling. “First I'll ask you each a question. Tell me, one of you that is not hurt by another? Who is not deep down weighed by past wrongs? Who cannot grasp the future because one from the past holds you captive?” 

Vann did not answer, could not. 

“Deep down we cannot deny the truth: we are each selfish, seeking to preserve our sanity. The fight is taxing. You will be broken. You’ll see pain. You will end life alone, dead. And, so, to end the paralysis you embrace the inevitable: it becomes nothing.” 

Vann wanted to argue. Wanted to say this wasn't true. But his own bitterness held him silent a moment. The moment felt too long. “What if I refuse ? What if I love?” 

The professor smiled. “You will fail. All do.”

Loose Pain

Georgie let her dripping hair fall toward the sand, shaking water loose. Deep down she wished her tears could fall so easily. 

“Pretty rough out there, huh?” 

Georgie jerked upright, tossing her hair behind her. “Uh... hi?” 

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.” The young man stood too close to her. Close enough to read her thoughts, know what she wanted to forget. 

Georgie looked over the ocean she’d emerged from. It didn’t look kind. The sky was grey. The waters rushed, wave over wave, troubled by its own winds. It was not a time for swimming, and she was apart of the reason. 

“Are you OK?” 

Georgie had forgotten the man. She turned back to him, wishing her eyes would not mimic the confused chaos of the ocean. “Excuse me?” 

“You were just in the ocean... at first I thought you were drowning.” 

“Drowning? No, I was... swimming.” 

The man laughed. “It’s not really a place to swim right now... do you live close?” 

She needed to go. His questions would start to pry deeper. The pain would explode if he did so. Or worse yet—the whole world would know. 

“Yeah... I know how to deal with a small storm. Thanks for your concern.” Georgie pushed past the man, starting off in a jog. 

“Wait!” 

But she ignored his voice. She had to escape this reality she’d uncovered... the secrets of her own soul must remain trapped. She locked away the raging storm behind her tight, dry eyes.

If A Guy Changes

They say a girl can’t change a guy. I always knew this to be true. Yet I couldn’t help loving you, hoping you’d change anyways. 

For me. 

Can’t a guy change for a girl? 

I was stupid falling for a guy like you. But I loved you, and all you could be. Yet you never changed, despite how many times you said, “I love you.” 

And my love wasn’t strong enough to move you to action. 

Still I couldn’t say goodbye to you. I couldn’t let us end. I couldn’t stop hoping for you—I still hope.

I couldn’t marry you. 

We were stuck. 

Me hoping for better, you unmotivated. 

You said, “You’re better off here with me. You need me, admit it.” 

I saw your tears. I knew I needed you. But I also needed you to be more. 

Turmoil raged within me even as I knew what I must do. 

I let you go. 

It hurts so much. Even harder is knowing you didn’t understand, couldn’t. I love you, yet you knew not just how much. 

We said goodbye. But I never said goodbye to hope. 

Yes, I can’t change you, but I’ll never stop hoping you’ll change for me. 

Am I enough?

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 your favorite?